Why Can't I Just Stay Calm??
I woke up this morning in a great mood, which took about 2 seconds to change after talking to a family member. I don’t know what it is about family, but they always trigger crazy responses from me - and I realized that this response was because I wanted her to do something that she didn’t do. I always seem to want this person to do something that I think is right, already knowing she’s going to ignore me and do what she wants anyway - and it just irritates me!
Why on earth am I feeling so irritated? Does it really matter to me, or make a difference in my life if she doesn’t listen to me? My ego is sitting here inside my head screaming “YES, it damn well DOES matter!”.... While my quiet, calm soul is saying softly “no, it doesn’t matter. She’s going to do things her way, and you love her anyway.”
So why am I listening to my ego? What do I get out of this situation by basically attempting to force this person to listen to me and do things my way? And it hit me - outside validation. My ego really wants to be RIGHT - no matter what! I don’t get anything tangible out of it, just a sense of superiority, and some smugness on the side.
I decided to go deeper into this response as well - after all, I have spent two years working with my emotional responses, so I know I need to dig into this irritation. And I found something out about myself. I wasn’t angry at her - that was only the surface response. What I was really upset about was her not recognizing something about me. I felt like she didn’t see my and my ideas as good ones, and therefore, she didn’t accept me for who I am. And what was I doing? Not accepting her and her responses as who SHE really is. Life is a mirror, as I have said many times before, and here I was, looking in my mirror again and feeling like I wasn’t being accepted as I am.
As I sit here writing this, and cringing over my not-so-nice attitude while I was speaking to her this morning, I have realized something else. What I really want out of life - what most people, if not all people, want out of life - is to be accepted and loved for who they truly are, with no strings attached. And I thought, "do I really accept myself for who I am and understand all of the good and bad pieces of me? Do I really love those things about myself that are small, and egotistical?" The short answer is no - I still haven’t truly accepted myself. So what do I get? Experiences all around me that reflect that - challenges to my ego where what I say or think is dismissed, the same way I am dismissing what others think and say.
And so, I have to apologize to my family member. She didn’t do anything but ask me a question, that I had an expectation around, and I got angry with her for absolutely no reason. I definitely need to listen to my quiet soul more, and not the loudness of my ego. I do love and accept this person for who she is, and I need to remember that. Who am I to judge her actions? Who am I to judge ANYONEs actions? I am just me, and I need to accept myself first, and extend that acceptance to all.
And I will - after all, I am an imperfect work-in-progress.
Love & Blessings,
Stacy Hoffman-Farmer, LMT
Stacy is a licensed massage therapist, and Usui Reiki Level 2 Master with 11 years of experience. She has been on her own personal healing journey her whole life, with a focus on healing herself, and helping others heal since 2014.
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